Sundays are hell.
For the last almost 2 years, Sundays are hell for me, and I thought it would be better by now. I thought I'd be over this. I thought I'd have peace with this. But I don't.
You see, it's been almost 2 years since the separation from my [now ex-] husband. 1 year, 10 months, 17 days. I still find myself dreading Sundays. We spent them together. Of course, we spent other time together, too. But Sundays were usually just us.
Our weekdays were filled with work [him], housework [me], Bible Study, errands, and all the normal "school night" stuff. Friday night was date night. Movies, dinner, relaxing after a long week. Saturdays were lazy mornings online, grocery shopping, meeting Suzy for visiting the Saturday market or having coffee, driving down to his Mom's for the day.
But Sunday... Sunday was us. Everyone else was with their families or getting ready for the work week. The housework was done. The groceries were [usually] purchased. We'd go to church together, then to lunch where we sat and talked the type of talk that we did when we were dating. You know the type. It's not the household business. [Did you grab the mail on your way in from work? Did you remember to pay the cable bill?] It's not the trivial, banal talk you have with an acquaintance at a party. It's the "I adore you and want to know your every thought and dream and idea" talking. We'd talk about the sermon or about church or any other tangent we'd be led on. Sometimes, after lunch, we'd walk around the mall, planning stuff to buy for the house we'd buy soon or for the child we were trying to have. It was a day of future. It was a day where we might go home and be intimate in the way one can only be with the person with whom they trust will always love them and be there no matter what. It was a day of spending time together, our own little family.
Now, for me, it's a day of unrest. I go to church. Sometimes I meet someone for a quick lunch, which only temporarily alleviates hunger for both food and for company. Sometimes I run to the bookstore or to the mall [although I try not to do that too much, because I still struggle with emotional spending and shopping while trying to remain debt free, if not flush with money]. But mostly I go to church, run somewhere quick, and head home. Me and my cat. The day yawning before us. No one is online. My family is busy with their own stuff. My friends are busy with their families. I don't want to waste a beautiful sunny day in a dark movie theater. I don't want to take a drive to nowhere. Now it's a day of unrest for me.
Starting projects reminds me that I'm alone, that I don't have my helpmeet and partner. It reminds me that I need that 2nd set of hands that chose to leave. It reminds me of how lonely it can be, walking out of that church filled with Jesus's love but then feeling like He's the only one who even thinks about you on a Sunday afternoon.
And so I spend most of my drive home from church in tears. I try sometimes going to Saturday services to avoid this issue, but then I sleep in on Sunday and the day feels even more purposeless. I know it's supposed to be a Sabbath. I know it's God's day. But love seems far away.
Monday will be back to the grind, back to the busyness that keeps my mind and body active and not-so-lonely. And, next weekend, this will start all over again. I wish I knew when it's been long enough to stop feeling this gaping hole in my life.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
One more thing...
I forgot to add this earlier, and I think it deserves its own post. When I was watching that video, I had come to me a MySpace bumper sticker I saw:
My dear sisters, may you always make Satan and his empire tremble, not because of how great you are, but because he sees Jesus in you!
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no... she's awake!"
My dear sisters, may you always make Satan and his empire tremble, not because of how great you are, but because he sees Jesus in you!
I needed that.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. You see, I'm moderating Beth Moore's Esther study at my mom's church. Not only do I need to stay ahead of the group, but I try to stay far ahead of the group because, as I mentioned yesterday, my life doesn't just go from 0 to 60 but more like 0 to 100.
I took time today to watch 2 videos - sessions 7 and 8. The book is easy to take with me places, like when I have to sit at the chiropractor or when I'm taking a longer [much needed] lunch break at work. The DVD, despite the wonderful portable DVD player my mother got me for Christmas... not so much.
So in session 8, Beth starts talking about wanting someone to fight for us, the verses about us fighting for our loved ones, for our marriages, and so on. And all I could think was, "I think that's exactly what I said in those hundreds of pages of journaling I typed on my computer in the weeks after my separation from my former husband. Why couldn't he fight for me? Why wouldn't he fight for me? Why did he care so little that he could make vows and then not keep them?"
Just having God's word speak over those feelings I've felt way too often meant so much to me. God convinced me over and over again, like a surety deep in my marrow from the moment my husband said, "I want a divorce.", that He would be my husband. If my husband didn't do the job he promised to do, that God would step back in and He would be my support, that He would be my strength, that He would provide for me, that He would never leave me or forsake me, that He would be the one next to me in the dark of the night.
And then, at the very end, when Beth does her little summation from a certain location, she said words that sounded so familiar as she held The Red Book. I went back to her blog, to the comments I made when she posed the questions for The Red Book, and there they were. My pain, written exactly 2 months after it began, spilled out into a video for thousands of women to hear. "Wanting your man to battle for you... and watching him let the enemy in the front gate."
No, I'm not upset about the reminder of what has transpired in my life. In fact, I hope that I'm living proof of the quote she used from Ray Stedman, because I was thinking that it was what I was hoping for when going through everything... how I wanted to be obedient to God regardless of what my husband chose to do and how I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that the blessings poured out on me during that time were God being my Husband. 100%. Period. End of story.
It wasn't upsetting. It was liberating. It was hopeful. It was like God telling me that He sees me and honors when I made choices that were in line with His will for me.
I still won't agree with my friends who told me that it was God's will, that He wants me to be happy [... and divorce would make me so], that it was part of the plan. No, the Scriptures say that God hates divorce. End of argument. Not "hates divorce unless the guy is really, really a jerk". You see, I think God hates it, but realizes it's sometimes inevitable in a sinful world where people make sinful choices. But that doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean that it's a solution. It doesn't mean it's the way things are supposed to be!
No, we're supposed to fight. In the words of that song out right now, "If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door. No, love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."
I took time today to watch 2 videos - sessions 7 and 8. The book is easy to take with me places, like when I have to sit at the chiropractor or when I'm taking a longer [much needed] lunch break at work. The DVD, despite the wonderful portable DVD player my mother got me for Christmas... not so much.
So in session 8, Beth starts talking about wanting someone to fight for us, the verses about us fighting for our loved ones, for our marriages, and so on. And all I could think was, "I think that's exactly what I said in those hundreds of pages of journaling I typed on my computer in the weeks after my separation from my former husband. Why couldn't he fight for me? Why wouldn't he fight for me? Why did he care so little that he could make vows and then not keep them?"
Just having God's word speak over those feelings I've felt way too often meant so much to me. God convinced me over and over again, like a surety deep in my marrow from the moment my husband said, "I want a divorce.", that He would be my husband. If my husband didn't do the job he promised to do, that God would step back in and He would be my support, that He would be my strength, that He would provide for me, that He would never leave me or forsake me, that He would be the one next to me in the dark of the night.
And then, at the very end, when Beth does her little summation from a certain location, she said words that sounded so familiar as she held The Red Book. I went back to her blog, to the comments I made when she posed the questions for The Red Book, and there they were. My pain, written exactly 2 months after it began, spilled out into a video for thousands of women to hear. "Wanting your man to battle for you... and watching him let the enemy in the front gate."
No, I'm not upset about the reminder of what has transpired in my life. In fact, I hope that I'm living proof of the quote she used from Ray Stedman, because I was thinking that it was what I was hoping for when going through everything... how I wanted to be obedient to God regardless of what my husband chose to do and how I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that the blessings poured out on me during that time were God being my Husband. 100%. Period. End of story.
It wasn't upsetting. It was liberating. It was hopeful. It was like God telling me that He sees me and honors when I made choices that were in line with His will for me.
I still won't agree with my friends who told me that it was God's will, that He wants me to be happy [... and divorce would make me so], that it was part of the plan. No, the Scriptures say that God hates divorce. End of argument. Not "hates divorce unless the guy is really, really a jerk". You see, I think God hates it, but realizes it's sometimes inevitable in a sinful world where people make sinful choices. But that doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean that it's a solution. It doesn't mean it's the way things are supposed to be!
No, we're supposed to fight. In the words of that song out right now, "If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door. No, love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."
Saturday, February 21, 2009
All this over a relatively minor dilemma
So, it's been a while since I posted. It's amazing how quickly life can go from 0 to 60. It's pretty normal that it happens sometimes with my job, but add to it a never-done-before audit of my entire program and you have 0 to 100 in 30 seconds.
But now I can finally breathe. Whew!
One of the things I was thinking of posting back in the fall was about a certain pride issue. Over the summer, I did a Bible study called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. I admit, I struggle with *wanting* to get rid of some of my gods. They seem to serve me so well sometimes, to serve my psyche and fleshly wants. But what happens when 2 of your gods - 2 of your issues - butt heads?
You see, I have issues with shopping. Honestly, I don't look like a fashion plate. I don't earn a ton of money, although I earn more than most in this country. [I'm doing this life - house, car, utilities, etc. - as a single/divorced person, whereas a couple can split the cable costs, the heating costs, the mortgage costs out of their income. I have a theory about utility and rental companies being anti-couple somehow, subliminally, but that's for another blog post.] So, while I have a paid-off car, several thousand in the bank, and a reasonable secure job, I struggle. Why? Because I know I have a tendency to like nice things. I have a tendency to comfort shop when I'm stressed or feeling the need for affirmation. I have had debt that my former husband and I paid off. I know how good it feels to not have that hanging over one's head. I know that it's nice to know you have money in the bank if you need it rather than running up the Visa or running to Mommy for a loan. I know how nice it is to feel like a real grownup. But I know how hard it is for me sometimes to not sink back into old habits, to not convince myself somehow that it's okay to buy that outfit or get some furniture for my house or buy myself that adorable little pink mini-PC that I sooooo want. I know that staying debt free, aside from my mortgage, comes from making those choices CONSTANTLY, almost like an addict has to stay away from alcohol. But unlike things like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, people still need to shop [or eat, which is another addiction that could be lumped in here] so it's not something that can be avoided. It has to be constantly controlled, and it's hard sometimes to know when it's a reasonable indulgence or one that's putting you back in the pit.
My other issue is that of pride, particularly over my intelligence. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I know that, statistically speaking, I'm in the top .5% of IQs. Sure, in a nation of 280 million people, I have plenty of company, but living amongst the other 99.5%, particularly when you're feeling a little annoyed with the masses, can give someone a seriously big head. I know that this is a gift God gave me to be used for His work, not for my own devices. It's not always easy. Again, it's so simple to find myself slipping into old habits - thinking that it's something I did for myself as if I made my brain, thinking myself better than others because I have this skill even though they may be way better at something like sports than I could ever hope to be, judging people because their genetics and environment didn't produce the same neurological structures that I have, which is really pretty stupid. And, even when it comes to Bible study, I have to catch myself. You'd think studying the God who actually made my neurons and DNA would be humbling. It's just so easy to take my eyes off of Him and focus on the eyes around the table sometimes.
"Get to the point already!", I can hear you pleading. So, finally, I will. You see, I have this little 'ninja Bible' as Pastor Brett would call it. It's a little 4" by 6" Bible I got to take to studies with me when I first started going to them out in Oregon. Mind you, I already had like 12 Bibles in storage at home, but I only had a huge, heavy study Bible with me when I lived there. I truly adore the little thing. It fits in my purse, it's perfect for taking with me to church or Bible study, and I have started to put notations into its minuscule little margins. But... it's falling apart. I've taped it up, but after 4 years, it's getting worn. Not a bad problem to have. Except that I find myself facing comparisonitis. I babysat for a family in Oregon that had a similar Bible, and theirs was so much more beat up than mine. The pages were obviously well-thumbed through. There were notes and highlights and all that. I felt like I wasn't as spiritual as they. And then I see someone with a Bible that still has the gold leaf around the edges, where the cover lies completely flat because the pages aren't fluffed up, and I puff up my chest with how much more I must care about studying God's word than they.
One solution would be to just go get a new Bible, to put myself back in a position physically of where I should be mentally - realizing I'm still a novice, truly, no matter how much I know. But that means shopping. And spending money I don't really need to spend, even if it's $25. And that act just contributes to the prison I'm so trying to avoid, even when the people around me tell me that I deserve to have good things, to treat myself. I don't know if they realize how precarious this life, these decisions, can be sometimes. And while I know it's "only" $25, it's also the wastefulness of spending more on something I already have. [But this one Bible I looked at is sooo cute and precious! I want it!]
But maybe the real waste is spending so much time thinking about this, dwelling on the "what to do" rather than just taking action and living with the good and bad [both] of either choice I make. Perhaps it's just putting myself in God's hands and surrendering to Him these little gods in my life. I still don't have an answer. Perhaps this is one of those choices within God's permissive will rather than His perfect will.
Either way, I'll keep you updated.
And now, for an update on things I've been reading --
Current Bible study: Esther by Beth Moore
Reading: All I Need Is Jesus & A Good Pair of Jeans by Susanna Foth Aughtmon, Wide Awake by Erwin McManus
What I have recently read: Consider Lily [Christian chick lit] by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt
Yeah, I know I'm slacking. I haven't had much time to read a thing lately.
But now I can finally breathe. Whew!
One of the things I was thinking of posting back in the fall was about a certain pride issue. Over the summer, I did a Bible study called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. I admit, I struggle with *wanting* to get rid of some of my gods. They seem to serve me so well sometimes, to serve my psyche and fleshly wants. But what happens when 2 of your gods - 2 of your issues - butt heads?
You see, I have issues with shopping. Honestly, I don't look like a fashion plate. I don't earn a ton of money, although I earn more than most in this country. [I'm doing this life - house, car, utilities, etc. - as a single/divorced person, whereas a couple can split the cable costs, the heating costs, the mortgage costs out of their income. I have a theory about utility and rental companies being anti-couple somehow, subliminally, but that's for another blog post.] So, while I have a paid-off car, several thousand in the bank, and a reasonable secure job, I struggle. Why? Because I know I have a tendency to like nice things. I have a tendency to comfort shop when I'm stressed or feeling the need for affirmation. I have had debt that my former husband and I paid off. I know how good it feels to not have that hanging over one's head. I know that it's nice to know you have money in the bank if you need it rather than running up the Visa or running to Mommy for a loan. I know how nice it is to feel like a real grownup. But I know how hard it is for me sometimes to not sink back into old habits, to not convince myself somehow that it's okay to buy that outfit or get some furniture for my house or buy myself that adorable little pink mini-PC that I sooooo want. I know that staying debt free, aside from my mortgage, comes from making those choices CONSTANTLY, almost like an addict has to stay away from alcohol. But unlike things like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, people still need to shop [or eat, which is another addiction that could be lumped in here] so it's not something that can be avoided. It has to be constantly controlled, and it's hard sometimes to know when it's a reasonable indulgence or one that's putting you back in the pit.
My other issue is that of pride, particularly over my intelligence. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I know that, statistically speaking, I'm in the top .5% of IQs. Sure, in a nation of 280 million people, I have plenty of company, but living amongst the other 99.5%, particularly when you're feeling a little annoyed with the masses, can give someone a seriously big head. I know that this is a gift God gave me to be used for His work, not for my own devices. It's not always easy. Again, it's so simple to find myself slipping into old habits - thinking that it's something I did for myself as if I made my brain, thinking myself better than others because I have this skill even though they may be way better at something like sports than I could ever hope to be, judging people because their genetics and environment didn't produce the same neurological structures that I have, which is really pretty stupid. And, even when it comes to Bible study, I have to catch myself. You'd think studying the God who actually made my neurons and DNA would be humbling. It's just so easy to take my eyes off of Him and focus on the eyes around the table sometimes.
"Get to the point already!", I can hear you pleading. So, finally, I will. You see, I have this little 'ninja Bible' as Pastor Brett would call it. It's a little 4" by 6" Bible I got to take to studies with me when I first started going to them out in Oregon. Mind you, I already had like 12 Bibles in storage at home, but I only had a huge, heavy study Bible with me when I lived there. I truly adore the little thing. It fits in my purse, it's perfect for taking with me to church or Bible study, and I have started to put notations into its minuscule little margins. But... it's falling apart. I've taped it up, but after 4 years, it's getting worn. Not a bad problem to have. Except that I find myself facing comparisonitis. I babysat for a family in Oregon that had a similar Bible, and theirs was so much more beat up than mine. The pages were obviously well-thumbed through. There were notes and highlights and all that. I felt like I wasn't as spiritual as they. And then I see someone with a Bible that still has the gold leaf around the edges, where the cover lies completely flat because the pages aren't fluffed up, and I puff up my chest with how much more I must care about studying God's word than they.
One solution would be to just go get a new Bible, to put myself back in a position physically of where I should be mentally - realizing I'm still a novice, truly, no matter how much I know. But that means shopping. And spending money I don't really need to spend, even if it's $25. And that act just contributes to the prison I'm so trying to avoid, even when the people around me tell me that I deserve to have good things, to treat myself. I don't know if they realize how precarious this life, these decisions, can be sometimes. And while I know it's "only" $25, it's also the wastefulness of spending more on something I already have. [But this one Bible I looked at is sooo cute and precious! I want it!
But maybe the real waste is spending so much time thinking about this, dwelling on the "what to do" rather than just taking action and living with the good and bad [both] of either choice I make. Perhaps it's just putting myself in God's hands and surrendering to Him these little gods in my life. I still don't have an answer. Perhaps this is one of those choices within God's permissive will rather than His perfect will.
Either way, I'll keep you updated.
And now, for an update on things I've been reading --
Current Bible study: Esther by Beth Moore
Reading: All I Need Is Jesus & A Good Pair of Jeans by Susanna Foth Aughtmon, Wide Awake by Erwin McManus
What I have recently read: Consider Lily [Christian chick lit] by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt
Yeah, I know I'm slacking. I haven't had much time to read a thing lately.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Lacking sense or sensibility, apparently
I really should be going to bed. I've been severely lacking sleep due to pleasant and happy late nights for the last week, but ones that have left me with 4-6 hours of sleep a night. Not good when you're an 8 hour a night sort of girl. [And don't get me started on either the virtues of minimal sleep or early mornings. Einstein slept 11 hours a day, so I figure I'm 8/11ths as smart as he is. Thank you Jesus for having a vacation from work next week.]
So I just got home from the first night of Beth Moore's simulcast. There were 2 things that particularly spoke to me, separate and able to stand on their own, yet related too.
First, Beth talked about our lack of belief that God has promises for us personally. This hit me hard. I've been a group of one in the Summer Siesta Bible Study of "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. [Side note: I had purchased the trade paper book by her just days before Beth announced this study. It's not a book written from the study or vice versa. They're complimentary, so I recommend getting both.] The last few weeks, Kelly has asked us to discuss the promises God has made to us. And my answer is always the same ...
I don't believe God has promised me anything more than He promised to all believers in a generic sense of the concept of promise.
You can see why her words struck me.
And then, near the end, she made the comment about not feeling worthy because of your past or because of what you did last night. What if it was yesterday morning? Because I sinned. Of course, we all sin regularly. This was premeditated. Something I would've been very, very pissed had it been done to me. It was so easy to do, so easy to slip into old habits and patterns and relationships. Too easy. And I'd been so long without actually engaging willfully in this sin - thinking, yes, although even trying to avoid that - that I'd achieved a level of this sin's absence I'd never had before. Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall, I suppose.
So where does this connect? See, I've been working through my idols because of the study. Seems God likes to test me, to work with me on these while doing a study while Satan tries to recover any ground he lost. [To the point of having regular middle-of-the-night feelings of great enemy oppression during the Believing God study.] And this one idol, this area, this one particular area, was the source of my sin. See, there's something I desire greatly. I don't believe it's a bad thing or a wrong thing or an ungodly thing in the least. In fact, I think it's a topic of many promises God makes to his people, individually and corporately. I desire this thing, and I've talked to God about it and yet, and yet, I just can't fathom God fulfilling this in Himself alone. I just can't.
And this is an area where I sense, painfully, God's silence on promises to me more than anything.
I had a taste of it once, but circumstances and sin ripped away what I felt was a promise. I felt that it was mine once, that God had given me what I desired most in a package of which He approved. Even when the entire promise didn't go as planned, I sensed that He was working out something better that I could have ever imagined in my puny little fleshly brain.
But now I wonder if I was ever promised anything at all, if I made an idol of it and talked myself into believing God had something special for me, that I was special enough to Him to make plans JUST FOR ME. And this being special thing, this thing which feeds my sins and idols, seems to always be just out of my reach. To not be special, to be chosen, by the very ones who are supposed to choose you above all others except God.
I have a history of this here in this place, in this void in my heart. And while I know what the Bible says, while I know what my heart wants, while I know what is right ... I don't see evidence that this desire, this thing I thought was promised to me and that I was given, is meant for me. Ever.
I'd love to be proven wrong.
So I just got home from the first night of Beth Moore's simulcast. There were 2 things that particularly spoke to me, separate and able to stand on their own, yet related too.
First, Beth talked about our lack of belief that God has promises for us personally. This hit me hard. I've been a group of one in the Summer Siesta Bible Study of "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. [Side note: I had purchased the trade paper book by her just days before Beth announced this study. It's not a book written from the study or vice versa. They're complimentary, so I recommend getting both.] The last few weeks, Kelly has asked us to discuss the promises God has made to us. And my answer is always the same ...
I don't believe God has promised me anything more than He promised to all believers in a generic sense of the concept of promise.
You can see why her words struck me.
And then, near the end, she made the comment about not feeling worthy because of your past or because of what you did last night. What if it was yesterday morning? Because I sinned. Of course, we all sin regularly. This was premeditated. Something I would've been very, very pissed had it been done to me. It was so easy to do, so easy to slip into old habits and patterns and relationships. Too easy. And I'd been so long without actually engaging willfully in this sin - thinking, yes, although even trying to avoid that - that I'd achieved a level of this sin's absence I'd never had before. Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall, I suppose.
So where does this connect? See, I've been working through my idols because of the study. Seems God likes to test me, to work with me on these while doing a study while Satan tries to recover any ground he lost. [To the point of having regular middle-of-the-night feelings of great enemy oppression during the Believing God study.] And this one idol, this area, this one particular area, was the source of my sin. See, there's something I desire greatly. I don't believe it's a bad thing or a wrong thing or an ungodly thing in the least. In fact, I think it's a topic of many promises God makes to his people, individually and corporately. I desire this thing, and I've talked to God about it and yet, and yet, I just can't fathom God fulfilling this in Himself alone. I just can't.
And this is an area where I sense, painfully, God's silence on promises to me more than anything.
I had a taste of it once, but circumstances and sin ripped away what I felt was a promise. I felt that it was mine once, that God had given me what I desired most in a package of which He approved. Even when the entire promise didn't go as planned, I sensed that He was working out something better that I could have ever imagined in my puny little fleshly brain.
But now I wonder if I was ever promised anything at all, if I made an idol of it and talked myself into believing God had something special for me, that I was special enough to Him to make plans JUST FOR ME. And this being special thing, this thing which feeds my sins and idols, seems to always be just out of my reach. To not be special, to be chosen, by the very ones who are supposed to choose you above all others except God.
I have a history of this here in this place, in this void in my heart. And while I know what the Bible says, while I know what my heart wants, while I know what is right ... I don't see evidence that this desire, this thing I thought was promised to me and that I was given, is meant for me. Ever.
I'd love to be proven wrong.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Perfect Storm
This concept of a "perfect storm", where all elements and events collude for maximum impact, was made into a movie which a lot of people saw. I didn't, though. I didn't go see a lot of movies when I was single and in grad school and I don't go see a lot of movies now that I'm divorced.
But the concept seems to get me thinking. People assume they know what happened to my marriage, as if it had to be a longstanding problem. Honestly, from all I can see, it was a collusion of events that just snowballed into a single month of devestation before exploding into the death of a covenant.
On the way to church, though, I was thinking. You see, I process thoughts in such a way that I pull seemingly random connections from all sorts of conversations, readings, studies, and observations into a metaphor. It's a long story how I got to this thought, but essentially it surrounds the Biblical statement that we're created "for such a time as this", that God has put us in our location, our situation, and our time for His specific purpose for us.
So what if ... and this is really a pipe dream because life is messy and people don't behave the way they should [myself included] or how God would have them act ... but what if God put the precise mix of personalities and talents and desires that, if people were to act on them, it would produce an explosion of God's power on earth. That those in need at the moment would be provided exactly what they needed because those who can provide it are being obedient and faithful. That those who seek purpose in this life would have someone to whom they could extend their talents and gifts in meeting that need. That those who seek to drive change would find a malliable world. What if?
Bible Study
So, I'm doing a Bible study right now with my "siestas" through Beth Moore's blog. It's entitled "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. I posted on a web board for a discussion of this subject some things that I'd been reading in a book that I need to read for work. It's brain/mind connection theory, but it confirms to me what scientists [athiest ones, at that] are finding that coincide with what the Bible says about our thoughts, actions, and sins. I think I'm finding that [insert sigh here] that some people just don't think the way I do. I don't know how else to explain it other than saying I don't fit in many places. I can squeeze myself into spots in life, some a tighter fit than others. Sometimes those spots leave poking bits in my being. But it's so hard when you long for someone to say, "I get you!" It's hard when there was one person who I felt "got" me, and he rejected me. Is it a rejection of that which is me, which he did understand, or just his own issues? I don't know.
Anyway, about this Bible study, there's a section on fear and Satan's lies that I did recently. It made me think of sections in 2 books I read in the last few months, one called "Evangelism for the Rest of Us" and one by Lisa Bevere. Essentially both said the same sentence with a slightly different number, but it boils down to this:
Satan's lies are 90% true.
And I find this is what I'm struggling with in my life, and what the Bible warns us of when God tells us that there's a way that seems right to man [what's technically true, but not full truth] that leads to death. I find my heart and being struggling with this, in a world that wants to label and judge and categorize experiences. I understand that our brains categorize, or stereotype, not necessarily as a prejudicial thing but as a brain economy thing. But I'd like to be worth someone wrapping their mind around me, so to speak, wrapping their mind around all that I am. And I want to care enough to wrap my mind around all that they are, not to assume or to want to wrap up their messy life in a neat little package.
That's one thing my students are seriously teaching me. Life is messy. There's a need for order, for rules, for truth, but that coexists with "mess", with a little bit of chaos, with freedom, with God's seemingly random plan. I think, perhaps, that life seems messy but it's like an impressionist painting, and until we're in heaven, we won't be able to see the picture for the little blobs of paint that look like mistakes and messes and .... well, *just* paint.
What I'm reading right now
I just got done with a book by a woman who, I think, might actually be one of those few people that "get" me. Her name is Jen Hatmaker, and the book is "Ms. Understood". I actually bought her Bible studies last summer when I thought, with being unemployed and suddenly separated from my husband, I'd have time to do them and in need of God's constant presence in the vacuum left by my husband. But then I started working and that vacuum was filled with the need of my staff and students. [Have I made it a little-G god, a la "No Other Gods"? Perhaps. I'm still working through this, because I know I didn't want it to be a god, but the need for comfort, for distraction, and for security were probably driving factors in it. But that's a completely different story.] Anyway, I so recommend this book. I've read a lot of books about God's view of and purpose for women, and I get some new insight out of each author. It's just that I think Jen could actually be a friend. [Have you ever seen something about a famous person, not like Jen is famous, and thought you could actually befriend that person, and not because of their status but because their personality is one you could really appreciate when they're not on the world's stage?]
So, some other things in my stack:
But the concept seems to get me thinking. People assume they know what happened to my marriage, as if it had to be a longstanding problem. Honestly, from all I can see, it was a collusion of events that just snowballed into a single month of devestation before exploding into the death of a covenant.
On the way to church, though, I was thinking. You see, I process thoughts in such a way that I pull seemingly random connections from all sorts of conversations, readings, studies, and observations into a metaphor. It's a long story how I got to this thought, but essentially it surrounds the Biblical statement that we're created "for such a time as this", that God has put us in our location, our situation, and our time for His specific purpose for us.
So what if ... and this is really a pipe dream because life is messy and people don't behave the way they should [myself included] or how God would have them act ... but what if God put the precise mix of personalities and talents and desires that, if people were to act on them, it would produce an explosion of God's power on earth. That those in need at the moment would be provided exactly what they needed because those who can provide it are being obedient and faithful. That those who seek purpose in this life would have someone to whom they could extend their talents and gifts in meeting that need. That those who seek to drive change would find a malliable world. What if?
Bible Study
So, I'm doing a Bible study right now with my "siestas" through Beth Moore's blog. It's entitled "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. I posted on a web board for a discussion of this subject some things that I'd been reading in a book that I need to read for work. It's brain/mind connection theory, but it confirms to me what scientists [athiest ones, at that] are finding that coincide with what the Bible says about our thoughts, actions, and sins. I think I'm finding that [insert sigh here] that some people just don't think the way I do. I don't know how else to explain it other than saying I don't fit in many places. I can squeeze myself into spots in life, some a tighter fit than others. Sometimes those spots leave poking bits in my being. But it's so hard when you long for someone to say, "I get you!" It's hard when there was one person who I felt "got" me, and he rejected me. Is it a rejection of that which is me, which he did understand, or just his own issues? I don't know.
Anyway, about this Bible study, there's a section on fear and Satan's lies that I did recently. It made me think of sections in 2 books I read in the last few months, one called "Evangelism for the Rest of Us" and one by Lisa Bevere. Essentially both said the same sentence with a slightly different number, but it boils down to this:
Satan's lies are 90% true.
And I find this is what I'm struggling with in my life, and what the Bible warns us of when God tells us that there's a way that seems right to man [what's technically true, but not full truth] that leads to death. I find my heart and being struggling with this, in a world that wants to label and judge and categorize experiences. I understand that our brains categorize, or stereotype, not necessarily as a prejudicial thing but as a brain economy thing. But I'd like to be worth someone wrapping their mind around me, so to speak, wrapping their mind around all that I am. And I want to care enough to wrap my mind around all that they are, not to assume or to want to wrap up their messy life in a neat little package.
That's one thing my students are seriously teaching me. Life is messy. There's a need for order, for rules, for truth, but that coexists with "mess", with a little bit of chaos, with freedom, with God's seemingly random plan. I think, perhaps, that life seems messy but it's like an impressionist painting, and until we're in heaven, we won't be able to see the picture for the little blobs of paint that look like mistakes and messes and .... well, *just* paint.
What I'm reading right now
I just got done with a book by a woman who, I think, might actually be one of those few people that "get" me. Her name is Jen Hatmaker, and the book is "Ms. Understood". I actually bought her Bible studies last summer when I thought, with being unemployed and suddenly separated from my husband, I'd have time to do them and in need of God's constant presence in the vacuum left by my husband. But then I started working and that vacuum was filled with the need of my staff and students. [Have I made it a little-G god, a la "No Other Gods"? Perhaps. I'm still working through this, because I know I didn't want it to be a god, but the need for comfort, for distraction, and for security were probably driving factors in it. But that's a completely different story.] Anyway, I so recommend this book. I've read a lot of books about God's view of and purpose for women, and I get some new insight out of each author. It's just that I think Jen could actually be a friend. [Have you ever seen something about a famous person, not like Jen is famous, and thought you could actually befriend that person, and not because of their status but because their personality is one you could really appreciate when they're not on the world's stage?]
So, some other things in my stack:
- Letters to a Young Evangelical - Tony Campolo
- Jesus for President - Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw
- Unveiling Islam - Caner brothers
- The Trouble With Paris - Mark Sayers
I'd recommend each and every one. All have different points and views. You may not agree with everything said, but I think good reading isn't meant to make us just nod our heads and affirm our current views, but to make us think and process and consider.
And something I saw in church today
Yes, I realize I'm behind the 8-ball in terms of what's culturally edgy, but I still enjoyed this. It's amazing what one man can inspire with a simple goal. [And I don't know if Matt is a Christian, but it almost felt like, when the wave swept over him, like God was dancing with him. Even the rocks cry out.]
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