I needed that.

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. You see, I'm moderating Beth Moore's Esther study at my mom's church. Not only do I need to stay ahead of the group, but I try to stay far ahead of the group because, as I mentioned yesterday, my life doesn't just go from 0 to 60 but more like 0 to 100.

I took time today to watch 2 videos - sessions 7 and 8. The book is easy to take with me places, like when I have to sit at the chiropractor or when I'm taking a longer [much needed] lunch break at work. The DVD, despite the wonderful portable DVD player my mother got me for Christmas... not so much.

So in session 8, Beth starts talking about wanting someone to fight for us, the verses about us fighting for our loved ones, for our marriages, and so on. And all I could think was, "I think that's exactly what I said in those hundreds of pages of journaling I typed on my computer in the weeks after my separation from my former husband. Why couldn't he fight for me? Why wouldn't he fight for me? Why did he care so little that he could make vows and then not keep them?"

Just having God's word speak over those feelings I've felt way too often meant so much to me. God convinced me over and over again, like a surety deep in my marrow from the moment my husband said, "I want a divorce.", that He would be my husband. If my husband didn't do the job he promised to do, that God would step back in and He would be my support, that He would be my strength, that He would provide for me, that He would never leave me or forsake me, that He would be the one next to me in the dark of the night.

And then, at the very end, when Beth does her little summation from a certain location, she said words that sounded so familiar as she held The Red Book. I went back to her blog, to the comments I made when she posed the questions for The Red Book, and there they were. My pain, written exactly 2 months after it began, spilled out into a video for thousands of women to hear. "Wanting your man to battle for you... and watching him let the enemy in the front gate."

No, I'm not upset about the reminder of what has transpired in my life. In fact, I hope that I'm living proof of the quote she used from Ray Stedman, because I was thinking that it was what I was hoping for when going through everything... how I wanted to be obedient to God regardless of what my husband chose to do and how I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that the blessings poured out on me during that time were God being my Husband. 100%. Period. End of story.

It wasn't upsetting. It was liberating. It was hopeful. It was like God telling me that He sees me and honors when I made choices that were in line with His will for me.

I still won't agree with my friends who told me that it was God's will, that He wants me to be happy [... and divorce would make me so], that it was part of the plan. No, the Scriptures say that God hates divorce. End of argument. Not "hates divorce unless the guy is really, really a jerk". You see, I think God hates it, but realizes it's sometimes inevitable in a sinful world where people make sinful choices. But that doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean that it's a solution. It doesn't mean it's the way things are supposed to be!

No, we're supposed to fight. In the words of that song out right now, "If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door. No, love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."