Day of (un)rest

Sundays are hell.

For the last almost 2 years, Sundays are hell for me, and I thought it would be better by now. I thought I'd be over this. I thought I'd have peace with this. But I don't.

You see, it's been almost 2 years since the separation from my [now ex-] husband. 1 year, 10 months, 17 days. I still find myself dreading Sundays. We spent them together. Of course, we spent other time together, too. But Sundays were usually just us.

Our weekdays were filled with work [him], housework [me], Bible Study, errands, and all the normal "school night" stuff. Friday night was date night. Movies, dinner, relaxing after a long week. Saturdays were lazy mornings online, grocery shopping, meeting Suzy for visiting the Saturday market or having coffee, driving down to his Mom's for the day.

But Sunday... Sunday was us. Everyone else was with their families or getting ready for the work week. The housework was done. The groceries were [usually] purchased. We'd go to church together, then to lunch where we sat and talked the type of talk that we did when we were dating. You know the type. It's not the household business. [Did you grab the mail on your way in from work? Did you remember to pay the cable bill?] It's not the trivial, banal talk you have with an acquaintance at a party. It's the "I adore you and want to know your every thought and dream and idea" talking. We'd talk about the sermon or about church or any other tangent we'd be led on. Sometimes, after lunch, we'd walk around the mall, planning stuff to buy for the house we'd buy soon or for the child we were trying to have. It was a day of future. It was a day where we might go home and be intimate in the way one can only be with the person with whom they trust will always love them and be there no matter what. It was a day of spending time together, our own little family.

Now, for me, it's a day of unrest. I go to church. Sometimes I meet someone for a quick lunch, which only temporarily alleviates hunger for both food and for company. Sometimes I run to the bookstore or to the mall [although I try not to do that too much, because I still struggle with emotional spending and shopping while trying to remain debt free, if not flush with money]. But mostly I go to church, run somewhere quick, and head home. Me and my cat. The day yawning before us. No one is online. My family is busy with their own stuff. My friends are busy with their families. I don't want to waste a beautiful sunny day in a dark movie theater. I don't want to take a drive to nowhere. Now it's a day of unrest for me.

Starting projects reminds me that I'm alone, that I don't have my helpmeet and partner. It reminds me that I need that 2nd set of hands that chose to leave. It reminds me of how lonely it can be, walking out of that church filled with Jesus's love but then feeling like He's the only one who even thinks about you on a Sunday afternoon.

And so I spend most of my drive home from church in tears. I try sometimes going to Saturday services to avoid this issue, but then I sleep in on Sunday and the day feels even more purposeless. I know it's supposed to be a Sabbath. I know it's God's day. But love seems far away.

Monday will be back to the grind, back to the busyness that keeps my mind and body active and not-so-lonely. And, next weekend, this will start all over again. I wish I knew when it's been long enough to stop feeling this gaping hole in my life.

One more thing...

I forgot to add this earlier, and I think it deserves its own post. When I was watching that video, I had come to me a MySpace bumper sticker I saw:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no... she's awake!"

My dear sisters, may you always make Satan and his empire tremble, not because of how great you are, but because he sees Jesus in you!

I needed that.

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. You see, I'm moderating Beth Moore's Esther study at my mom's church. Not only do I need to stay ahead of the group, but I try to stay far ahead of the group because, as I mentioned yesterday, my life doesn't just go from 0 to 60 but more like 0 to 100.

I took time today to watch 2 videos - sessions 7 and 8. The book is easy to take with me places, like when I have to sit at the chiropractor or when I'm taking a longer [much needed] lunch break at work. The DVD, despite the wonderful portable DVD player my mother got me for Christmas... not so much.

So in session 8, Beth starts talking about wanting someone to fight for us, the verses about us fighting for our loved ones, for our marriages, and so on. And all I could think was, "I think that's exactly what I said in those hundreds of pages of journaling I typed on my computer in the weeks after my separation from my former husband. Why couldn't he fight for me? Why wouldn't he fight for me? Why did he care so little that he could make vows and then not keep them?"

Just having God's word speak over those feelings I've felt way too often meant so much to me. God convinced me over and over again, like a surety deep in my marrow from the moment my husband said, "I want a divorce.", that He would be my husband. If my husband didn't do the job he promised to do, that God would step back in and He would be my support, that He would be my strength, that He would provide for me, that He would never leave me or forsake me, that He would be the one next to me in the dark of the night.

And then, at the very end, when Beth does her little summation from a certain location, she said words that sounded so familiar as she held The Red Book. I went back to her blog, to the comments I made when she posed the questions for The Red Book, and there they were. My pain, written exactly 2 months after it began, spilled out into a video for thousands of women to hear. "Wanting your man to battle for you... and watching him let the enemy in the front gate."

No, I'm not upset about the reminder of what has transpired in my life. In fact, I hope that I'm living proof of the quote she used from Ray Stedman, because I was thinking that it was what I was hoping for when going through everything... how I wanted to be obedient to God regardless of what my husband chose to do and how I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that the blessings poured out on me during that time were God being my Husband. 100%. Period. End of story.

It wasn't upsetting. It was liberating. It was hopeful. It was like God telling me that He sees me and honors when I made choices that were in line with His will for me.

I still won't agree with my friends who told me that it was God's will, that He wants me to be happy [... and divorce would make me so], that it was part of the plan. No, the Scriptures say that God hates divorce. End of argument. Not "hates divorce unless the guy is really, really a jerk". You see, I think God hates it, but realizes it's sometimes inevitable in a sinful world where people make sinful choices. But that doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean that it's a solution. It doesn't mean it's the way things are supposed to be!

No, we're supposed to fight. In the words of that song out right now, "If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door. No, love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."

All this over a relatively minor dilemma

So, it's been a while since I posted. It's amazing how quickly life can go from 0 to 60. It's pretty normal that it happens sometimes with my job, but add to it a never-done-before audit of my entire program and you have 0 to 100 in 30 seconds.

But now I can finally breathe. Whew!

One of the things I was thinking of posting back in the fall was about a certain pride issue. Over the summer, I did a Bible study called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. I admit, I struggle with *wanting* to get rid of some of my gods. They seem to serve me so well sometimes, to serve my psyche and fleshly wants. But what happens when 2 of your gods - 2 of your issues - butt heads?

You see, I have issues with shopping. Honestly, I don't look like a fashion plate. I don't earn a ton of money, although I earn more than most in this country. [I'm doing this life - house, car, utilities, etc. - as a single/divorced person, whereas a couple can split the cable costs, the heating costs, the mortgage costs out of their income. I have a theory about utility and rental companies being anti-couple somehow, subliminally, but that's for another blog post.] So, while I have a paid-off car, several thousand in the bank, and a reasonable secure job, I struggle. Why? Because I know I have a tendency to like nice things. I have a tendency to comfort shop when I'm stressed or feeling the need for affirmation. I have had debt that my former husband and I paid off. I know how good it feels to not have that hanging over one's head. I know that it's nice to know you have money in the bank if you need it rather than running up the Visa or running to Mommy for a loan. I know how nice it is to feel like a real grownup. But I know how hard it is for me sometimes to not sink back into old habits, to not convince myself somehow that it's okay to buy that outfit or get some furniture for my house or buy myself that adorable little pink mini-PC that I sooooo want. I know that staying debt free, aside from my mortgage, comes from making those choices CONSTANTLY, almost like an addict has to stay away from alcohol. But unlike things like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, people still need to shop [or eat, which is another addiction that could be lumped in here] so it's not something that can be avoided. It has to be constantly controlled, and it's hard sometimes to know when it's a reasonable indulgence or one that's putting you back in the pit.

My other issue is that of pride, particularly over my intelligence. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I know that, statistically speaking, I'm in the top .5% of IQs. Sure, in a nation of 280 million people, I have plenty of company, but living amongst the other 99.5%, particularly when you're feeling a little annoyed with the masses, can give someone a seriously big head. I know that this is a gift God gave me to be used for His work, not for my own devices. It's not always easy. Again, it's so simple to find myself slipping into old habits - thinking that it's something I did for myself as if I made my brain, thinking myself better than others because I have this skill even though they may be way better at something like sports than I could ever hope to be, judging people because their genetics and environment didn't produce the same neurological structures that I have, which is really pretty stupid. And, even when it comes to Bible study, I have to catch myself. You'd think studying the God who actually made my neurons and DNA would be humbling. It's just so easy to take my eyes off of Him and focus on the eyes around the table sometimes.

"Get to the point already!", I can hear you pleading. So, finally, I will. You see, I have this little 'ninja Bible' as Pastor Brett would call it. It's a little 4" by 6" Bible I got to take to studies with me when I first started going to them out in Oregon. Mind you, I already had like 12 Bibles in storage at home, but I only had a huge, heavy study Bible with me when I lived there. I truly adore the little thing. It fits in my purse, it's perfect for taking with me to church or Bible study, and I have started to put notations into its minuscule little margins. But... it's falling apart. I've taped it up, but after 4 years, it's getting worn. Not a bad problem to have. Except that I find myself facing comparisonitis. I babysat for a family in Oregon that had a similar Bible, and theirs was so much more beat up than mine. The pages were obviously well-thumbed through. There were notes and highlights and all that. I felt like I wasn't as spiritual as they. And then I see someone with a Bible that still has the gold leaf around the edges, where the cover lies completely flat because the pages aren't fluffed up, and I puff up my chest with how much more I must care about studying God's word than they.

One solution would be to just go get a new Bible, to put myself back in a position physically of where I should be mentally - realizing I'm still a novice, truly, no matter how much I know. But that means shopping. And spending money I don't really need to spend, even if it's $25. And that act just contributes to the prison I'm so trying to avoid, even when the people around me tell me that I deserve to have good things, to treat myself. I don't know if they realize how precarious this life, these decisions, can be sometimes. And while I know it's "only" $25, it's also the wastefulness of spending more on something I already have. [But this one Bible I looked at is sooo cute and precious! I want it! ]

But maybe the real waste is spending so much time thinking about this, dwelling on the "what to do" rather than just taking action and living with the good and bad [both] of either choice I make. Perhaps it's just putting myself in God's hands and surrendering to Him these little gods in my life. I still don't have an answer. Perhaps this is one of those choices within God's permissive will rather than His perfect will.

Either way, I'll keep you updated.

And now, for an update on things I've been reading --

Current Bible study: Esther by Beth Moore

Reading: All I Need Is Jesus & A Good Pair of Jeans by Susanna Foth Aughtmon, Wide Awake by Erwin McManus

What I have recently read: Consider Lily [Christian chick lit] by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt

Yeah, I know I'm slacking. I haven't had much time to read a thing lately.