From Narnia to heaven

I was a latecomer to the whole CS Lewis thing. I didn't read the books as a child, but I did start reading the Chronicles of Narnia and adult-focused books a few years ago. Fell completely in love with how artfully the Biblical truths are intertwined with the imagery. My copy of CON is littered with comments and Bible verse references in the margins.

Having prefaced with all that, this is nothing about the latest Narnia movie or CS Lewis or any of that.

It's about weather.

See, I live in Michigan. I know a lot of states claim the joke, "If you don't like the weather in ________, wait a minute and it'll change." But this is Michigan. That joke means something here. We get it. I've seen snow in the morning and gone without so much as a jacket in the afternoon.

Several weeks ago, I remember stopping on the front porch at my mom's house to unlock the door after a long, cold, dark day and having this moment of clarity where I realized I'd forgotten what spring felt like. I knew logically that I'd experienced warm weather but, for the life of me, my body and mind couldn't seem to recall it as reality. I felt like I was living in Narnia during the White Witch's reign. It isn't a depression thing; it's entirely about dealing with the feeling of everlasting winter. The snow day right after it finally melted from the last storm. Incessant shoveling. Days of high winds when it was just above freezing, so the roads dried up and the snow melted and evaporated, but without that feeling of hope one gets from spring.

And then there's today. I noticed 3 days ago that I had plants that were brown a week ago that now seem 6" tall and vibrant green. I'd been battling the false hope that comes with one day of 50° weather followed by near freezing temps and rain. And then suddenly, it's sunny and well into the 70s and bright and cheerful. Like someone flipped the switch turning winter off and spring on overnight. It's been so long since I've experienced a day like this that I feel like I'm in another world, another place, out of my element. It's the day when you want to drive just to go to your favorite restaurant an hour away and soak up the sun sitting on the restaurant patio while relaxing and drinking sangria. And it's Friday to boot.

So why do I feel guilty? I got out of a meeting at 2:30 PM. I run a program that runs in the morning Monday through Friday and at night only Monday through Thursday, so I didn't have staff or students any more today. I'd worked 10-12+ hour days every day this week. I put in 6 hours today including a working lunch [so no break]. So why do I feel guilty about taking 2 hours to come home early and enjoy the beautiful warm, soft breeze and sunshine that is so foreign to me during the rest of the week. I'm lucky if I see anything but morning sun most days. I'm not slacking. I'm not lazy. I'm the boss of my program, so it's not like I don't get to make these judgment calls. I'm salaried, which means always working more than 40 hours. I know I grew up in a family with a strong sense of responsibility. I took one sick day since last July, despite being actually sick fairly often [the danger of working with children] and working massive hours and going through a divorce and a house purchase and a move. I felt better that day I called in sick, so I felt so guilty that I wasn't feeling like death warmed over anymore that I went in anyway for 2 hours until my supervisors told me to go home.

Can it be that it's hard to not feel like you always have to justify and prove yourself? Can it be that, in our culture, we can't ever enjoy being in the moment and fully appreciate the day gifted to us? Can it be that I haven't learned how to feel like I've worked enough and be happy with what I've accomplished if I haven't worked myself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion? Can it be that I'm worried of Murphy's Law, that the emergency will occur when I'm playing hooky [even though I've put in plenty of hard work this week] and I'll get called on the carpet for not having the foresight to make sure I'm there at every possible moment that something could go wrong?

Enough guessing. I think I'll go for a drive.