Day of (un)rest

Sundays are hell.

For the last almost 2 years, Sundays are hell for me, and I thought it would be better by now. I thought I'd be over this. I thought I'd have peace with this. But I don't.

You see, it's been almost 2 years since the separation from my [now ex-] husband. 1 year, 10 months, 17 days. I still find myself dreading Sundays. We spent them together. Of course, we spent other time together, too. But Sundays were usually just us.

Our weekdays were filled with work [him], housework [me], Bible Study, errands, and all the normal "school night" stuff. Friday night was date night. Movies, dinner, relaxing after a long week. Saturdays were lazy mornings online, grocery shopping, meeting Suzy for visiting the Saturday market or having coffee, driving down to his Mom's for the day.

But Sunday... Sunday was us. Everyone else was with their families or getting ready for the work week. The housework was done. The groceries were [usually] purchased. We'd go to church together, then to lunch where we sat and talked the type of talk that we did when we were dating. You know the type. It's not the household business. [Did you grab the mail on your way in from work? Did you remember to pay the cable bill?] It's not the trivial, banal talk you have with an acquaintance at a party. It's the "I adore you and want to know your every thought and dream and idea" talking. We'd talk about the sermon or about church or any other tangent we'd be led on. Sometimes, after lunch, we'd walk around the mall, planning stuff to buy for the house we'd buy soon or for the child we were trying to have. It was a day of future. It was a day where we might go home and be intimate in the way one can only be with the person with whom they trust will always love them and be there no matter what. It was a day of spending time together, our own little family.

Now, for me, it's a day of unrest. I go to church. Sometimes I meet someone for a quick lunch, which only temporarily alleviates hunger for both food and for company. Sometimes I run to the bookstore or to the mall [although I try not to do that too much, because I still struggle with emotional spending and shopping while trying to remain debt free, if not flush with money]. But mostly I go to church, run somewhere quick, and head home. Me and my cat. The day yawning before us. No one is online. My family is busy with their own stuff. My friends are busy with their families. I don't want to waste a beautiful sunny day in a dark movie theater. I don't want to take a drive to nowhere. Now it's a day of unrest for me.

Starting projects reminds me that I'm alone, that I don't have my helpmeet and partner. It reminds me that I need that 2nd set of hands that chose to leave. It reminds me of how lonely it can be, walking out of that church filled with Jesus's love but then feeling like He's the only one who even thinks about you on a Sunday afternoon.

And so I spend most of my drive home from church in tears. I try sometimes going to Saturday services to avoid this issue, but then I sleep in on Sunday and the day feels even more purposeless. I know it's supposed to be a Sabbath. I know it's God's day. But love seems far away.

Monday will be back to the grind, back to the busyness that keeps my mind and body active and not-so-lonely. And, next weekend, this will start all over again. I wish I knew when it's been long enough to stop feeling this gaping hole in my life.