But now I can finally breathe. Whew!
One of the things I was thinking of posting back in the fall was about a certain pride issue. Over the summer, I did a Bible study called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. I admit, I struggle with *wanting* to get rid of some of my gods. They seem to serve me so well sometimes, to serve my psyche and fleshly wants. But what happens when 2 of your gods - 2 of your issues - butt heads?
You see, I have issues with shopping. Honestly, I don't look like a fashion plate. I don't earn a ton of money, although I earn more than most in this country. [I'm doing this life - house, car, utilities, etc. - as a single/divorced person, whereas a couple can split the cable costs, the heating costs, the mortgage costs out of their income. I have a theory about utility and rental companies being anti-couple somehow, subliminally, but that's for another blog post.] So, while I have a paid-off car, several thousand in the bank, and a reasonable secure job, I struggle. Why? Because I know I have a tendency to like nice things. I have a tendency to comfort shop when I'm stressed or feeling the need for affirmation. I have had debt that my former husband and I paid off. I know how good it feels to not have that hanging over one's head. I know that it's nice to know you have money in the bank if you need it rather than running up the Visa or running to Mommy for a loan. I know how nice it is to feel like a real grownup. But I know how hard it is for me sometimes to not sink back into old habits, to not convince myself somehow that it's okay to buy that outfit or get some furniture for my house or buy myself that adorable little pink mini-PC that I sooooo want. I know that staying debt free, aside from my mortgage, comes from making those choices CONSTANTLY, almost like an addict has to stay away from alcohol. But unlike things like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, people still need to shop [or eat, which is another addiction that could be lumped in here] so it's not something that can be avoided. It has to be constantly controlled, and it's hard sometimes to know when it's a reasonable indulgence or one that's putting you back in the pit.
My other issue is that of pride, particularly over my intelligence. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I know that, statistically speaking, I'm in the top .5% of IQs. Sure, in a nation of 280 million people, I have plenty of company, but living amongst the other 99.5%, particularly when you're feeling a little annoyed with the masses, can give someone a seriously big head. I know that this is a gift God gave me to be used for His work, not for my own devices. It's not always easy. Again, it's so simple to find myself slipping into old habits - thinking that it's something I did for myself as if I made my brain, thinking myself better than others because I have this skill even though they may be way better at something like sports than I could ever hope to be, judging people because their genetics and environment didn't produce the same neurological structures that I have, which is really pretty stupid. And, even when it comes to Bible study, I have to catch myself. You'd think studying the God who actually made my neurons and DNA would be humbling. It's just so easy to take my eyes off of Him and focus on the eyes around the table sometimes.
"Get to the point already!", I can hear you pleading. So, finally, I will. You see, I have this little 'ninja Bible' as Pastor Brett would call it. It's a little 4" by 6" Bible I got to take to studies with me when I first started going to them out in Oregon. Mind you, I already had like 12 Bibles in storage at home, but I only had a huge, heavy study Bible with me when I lived there. I truly adore the little thing. It fits in my purse, it's perfect for taking with me to church or Bible study, and I have started to put notations into its minuscule little margins. But... it's falling apart. I've taped it up, but after 4 years, it's getting worn. Not a bad problem to have. Except that I find myself facing comparisonitis. I babysat for a family in Oregon that had a similar Bible, and theirs was so much more beat up than mine. The pages were obviously well-thumbed through. There were notes and highlights and all that. I felt like I wasn't as spiritual as they. And then I see someone with a Bible that still has the gold leaf around the edges, where the cover lies completely flat because the pages aren't fluffed up, and I puff up my chest with how much more I must care about studying God's word than they.
One solution would be to just go get a new Bible, to put myself back in a position physically of where I should be mentally - realizing I'm still a novice, truly, no matter how much I know. But that means shopping. And spending money I don't really need to spend, even if it's $25. And that act just contributes to the prison I'm so trying to avoid, even when the people around me tell me that I deserve to have good things, to treat myself. I don't know if they realize how precarious this life, these decisions, can be sometimes. And while I know it's "only" $25, it's also the wastefulness of spending more on something I already have. [But this one Bible I looked at is sooo cute and precious! I want it!
But maybe the real waste is spending so much time thinking about this, dwelling on the "what to do" rather than just taking action and living with the good and bad [both] of either choice I make. Perhaps it's just putting myself in God's hands and surrendering to Him these little gods in my life. I still don't have an answer. Perhaps this is one of those choices within God's permissive will rather than His perfect will.
Either way, I'll keep you updated.
And now, for an update on things I've been reading --
Current Bible study: Esther by Beth Moore
Reading: All I Need Is Jesus & A Good Pair of Jeans by Susanna Foth Aughtmon, Wide Awake by Erwin McManus
What I have recently read: Consider Lily [Christian chick lit] by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt
Yeah, I know I'm slacking. I haven't had much time to read a thing lately.
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